Why Your Child Isn’t a Mini Adult: Navigating Discipline and Emotional Regulation

In this week's thought-provoking episode of TUF, Robbie dives deep into the complexities of parenting, focusing on emotional regulation, discipline strategies, and the controversial topic of corporal punishment.

Robbie explores why kids should be seen as developing individuals—not miniature adults—and why it's critical to balance discipline with empathy and guidance. He candidly shares how his own perspectives on spanking and authoritarian parenting have evolved since becoming a dad. Highlighting the importance of emotional regulation in both parents and children, Robbie discusses strategies for fostering a healthy connection and building a foundation of trust and respect without resorting to fear-based discipline.

Whether you're questioning traditional parenting methods or simply striving to raise emotionally intelligent, compassionate kids, this episode challenges listeners to reflect on their parenting approaches. Tune in as Robbie encourages parents to lead by example, promoting thoughtful discipline, genuine connection, and emotional intelligence in the next generation.

Key topics include:

• Emotional regulation for parents and kids
• Why children shouldn't be treated as miniature adults
• Rethinking spanking and corporal punishment
• Authoritarian vs. connected parenting
• Building lasting legacies through empathetic parenting

Join the conversation—listen now and share your thoughts!

#ParentingTips #DadLife #EmotionalIntelligence #GentleParenting #Fatherhood #FamilyLife #RaisingKids #DisciplineStrategies #ParentingPodcast #UnhingedFatherPodcast

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Parenting Philosophy
• 3:29 Balancing Authority and Emotional Understanding
• 6:27 The Complexity of Child Development
• 9:27 Discipline Vs. Punishment
• 12:49 Corporal Punishment: A Personal Reflection
• 18:47 The Importance of Connection in Parenting

Transcript

🎙 Episode Title:

Why Your Child Isn’t a Mini Adult: Navigating Discipline and Emotional Regulation

📅 Episode Date:

May 7, 2025

📌 Episode Summary: 

In this episode, Robbie reflects on his evolving parenting philosophy—discussing why kids shouldn’t be treated like miniature adults, how discipline differs from punishment, and why building emotional intelligence matters more than rigid authority. With personal anecdotes and real-life challenges, this candid conversation offers insights for mindful, connected parenting in 2025.

🔍 Keywords:

gentle parenting, parenting discipline strategies, emotional regulation in children, authoritarian vs permissive parenting, spanking debate

📢 Listen to the Episode:

https://theunhingedfatherpodcast.buzzsprout.com 

📖 Full Episode Transcript:

📌 Note: This is a full, unedited transcript from the episode for accessibility and searchability purposes.

Robbie (00:00)
All right, everyone, welcome to the show. Hope everyone's having a fantastic day, having a good week. Hope everyone is doing well, surviving, making it through 2025. It's not slowing down, busier than ever, but here I am, ready to do the podcast for all of you, my adoring fans. So let's go ahead and jump into this week's episode.

Now, something that's kind of been on my mind, well, not just been on my mind, it's been on my mind for a while, something that I've thought about quite a bit. And part of my job of being a dad is thinking about how to raise my kids. It's not just like fly by the seat of your pants, do whatever the fuck you want and not actually pay attention to what you're doing. You need to be very mindful when you're a parent. And I take that real serious. I wanna make sure that I'm providing my kids with the best opportunity to have the best life that they can.

and also setting them up to just be good people. Like I talked about last week, that's the most important thing to me is making sure that I've got two well-adjusted little boys, well, for right now, just two little boys that are able to approach life, have fun, be happy, be blessed, and also make a positive impact on the world, be good people. And that takes a lot of thought. And I'm someone who, for a lot of things in my life, have kind of...

flown by the seat of my pants. I've just really kind of done whatever felt natural and whatever instincts. And I do think that we can get into a space, especially nowadays where it's like trust the experts, listen to what all the experts say. And there's a lot of bullshit in that too,

And one of the things that I came to realize by going to college and being with certain people is that there's book smart and then there's like real life smart. Some of the smartest people in classes that can recite stuff, could go over theory, just couldn't translate it to the real world. And I think that there's two sides of the coin. You've got this intellectual research type of information that comes in that we get from, know, psychologists, biologists, like whatever it is, it doesn't really matter what it is, from the quote unquote experts. And then you've got,

real life experience. And I think both of those are very valuable, but we've tended, especially in recent years, to just trust the experts, to trust academia, to trust people that are professionals in this, as opposed to relying on some of the instincts that we have as parents. And I think that you need to take both sides of the coin. You need to combine both of them, utilize them both, and then also see which one works best in the real world. Because this isn't like your typical ⁓

science experiment, right? We're human beings and human beings will react to things differently. Each kid is different. You can have the same type of parenting style for each kid and they're all going to turn out a little bit different because that's just what humans do. We're unpredictable.

Our kids are the same way. They're unpredictable. We don't know what's gonna happen. But that's not necessarily exactly what I wanted to talk about today. One of the things that I wanted to talk about is this concept that I see in, for me, I'm someone who is, I wouldn't call myself authoritarian, but I do believe that having discipline and authority in a relationship with your children is extremely important because it's our job as parents to help guide them through, keep them safe, and get them

to adulthood and part of that is being in a position of authority over your children. But one thing that I've noticed with other parents who have this tendency of authoritarianism as well, like I said, I'm not sitting here being an authoritarian over my kids. I understand they're human beings, they're little people, they've got their own emotions, their own thoughts, feelings, and I take that into consideration in everything that I do when I'm raising them. That being said, at the end of the day, if dad says,

go put your shoes on, it's time to go to church. That means go put your fucking shoes on, it's time to go to church. But getting back to what I've seen in some of these parents who really appreciate like, or not appreciate, but put such an emphasis on children respecting authority and children listening to them and doing whatever they say and not being, it happens on both sides, parents that are,

Authoritarian and also parents that are more lax and just like let my kid do whatever the hell they want But it's this idea that children are miniature adults that they're already prepared and ready to handle the world For anything that it throws at them whether that be we think that they're miniature adults They should go into a situation should be well-behaved we take them to a restaurant and it's like why are you? Why are you yelling? Why are you upset? They don't have chocolate milk? Why are you crying? Why are you doing it like?

We think that the kids should act in a certain way and we don't take into consideration that they're not mentally prepared for that. They don't have the emotional control that we as adults have. And sometimes I feel like we're harsher on kids than we are on ourselves. That we...

We get angry, we get upset, we have emotional outbursts, but if we get in trouble, right, it's not like there's anyone there to hold our hands or tell us we're doing something wrong or to get in line, but we hold kids to the same standard. And I'm not saying this to say don't discipline your kids, don't tell them what's right and wrong, but it's just to have a little bit of extra grace with them and not to get so frustrated every time that they have an emotional outburst or they have a little temper tantrum or they are defiant in some way, or form. That's...

I mean, that's normal. You do that shit with people at your work. You do that shit with your spouse, your relatives. It's normal. they are little human beings, but they're not miniature adults yet. They're not set up to be able to have this emotional regulation. That's what your job is, to teach them and to also be the example for them in that way. Same thing on the other side, where sometimes I feel like the more lax parents,

we'll be like, yeah, no, it's fine. They know how to do this. They know what to pick. They know what to select

And I don't want to get into something that's too politically charged, but I see this in the way that children are being raised now. when, people talk about kids in terms of like identities, gender identity, all this different stuff that comes up, right. It's almost like I've seen people say that children shouldn't get a tattoo because they don't know what they want yet. Right. Kids under the age of 16 or 17 shouldn't get a tattoo.

because it's a permanent on their body and all this stuff. But then you also have these same people that turn around and just say like, a kid knows what gender they are or what species they are or what animal they are and all this other shit that goes along with it. It's on both sides, the authoritarian and the non-authoritarian. It's like you almost feel like children are adults and that they have the capacity to handle a lot of these things that they're not necessarily prepared to handle.

at whatever stage in life that they're at. And that's on both sides of the aisle. That's for both types of parents. And I think that kids need to be allowed to be kids and not have fear of retribution or getting yelled at or constantly being yelled at or feeling like they're always doing something wrong. But at the same time, they need to be protected on the other side too, where they don't go and do something that...

is going to have severe consequences to their lives. They can make life altering decisions when they're five years old or six years old or whatever it may be. I think that we as parents need to realize that we should be giving our kids freedom. Treat them like little human beings because they are little human beings. They've got their own thoughts, their own emotions and stuff like that, but they're not miniature adults. They're not capable of making these big decisions and they're also not capable of always being in control of their emotions and regulating what they're doing.

So that's just something that I've been seeing lately. think that it's something that is important and something that I'm constantly thinking about as well as that like I need to be the example for my children because I am, I'm the one who if dad loses his shit all the time or if I yell at other people or if I yell at them or they have big emotions and I can't handle it, I'm setting this example for them for the remainder of their lives. I'm setting them up for.

how they try to emulate what we're doing. Kids are always trying to emulate what we do, emulate what their siblings do, or what ⁓ people that are older in their lives do. And so I need to make sure that I'm keeping myself in check and regulating my emotions and not letting them see that like, if they have big emotions, then that means that I'm gonna have big emotions. Because on the flip side too is that,

if we can't handle the emotions that they have, they could almost like label them as bad or that if my parents, if I have big emotions as a child and my parents get mad at me for that or they have an emotional outburst or they yell at me or they hit me or something like that, then that's bad. I can't be that. I can't be that person. And I think that that's really terrible, especially when you get kids that are labeled.

angry or rambunctious or aggressive or whatever it is, right? Every kid is going to have different, ⁓ a different personality and a different emotional makeup. And I think that it's important for us to, as opposed to trying to quash it or to quell it, to embrace it and to try to guide it. Like if a kid's angry or if a kid is, ⁓ has big emotions, can't share, can't do this.

Instead of like trying to come down and bring the hammer down on them, you try to help them harness those emotions and use it towards something that's positive or to help them ⁓ have an outlet that's at least not detrimental to other people, that's not hitting, that's not screaming or yelling. And on the flip side, if you're a parent who doesn't help them regulate and you just let them do whatever the fuck they want.

Like that's not good either because then you're going to let them think that, you can just, you have a big emotion. You can go hit someone. You can take a toy. You can take, you can do whatever you want. can scream and yell and curse, whatever. It doesn't matter what it is. Your job as a parent is to help guide them and to learn how to have productive outlets for whatever emotions that they're feeling or whatever thoughts that they're having at that time. And so that's something that's constantly on my mind, something that I'm constantly thinking about. And I'm obviously not perfect. I fuck up. We all fuck up.

but I try to set the best example that I possibly can. Because sometimes it'd be easy. It'd be easy to just yell at my kids and tell them to get in line and squash down anything they have. I'm more of the type of parent, and it's not just with my own kids. It's with other kids that are friends with my kids or cousins and stuff like that, trying to always see what their personality is and then guide them in certain directions. And every kid is different.

You have to approach each kid differently and there's different approaches you can take to get them to do what you want without just yelling at them or being this big authoritarian. And then also, don't just let your kids do whatever the hell they want. They need your help. They want our help. They want structure. Kids do better in structure. And if they don't have that structure, they can feel lost and...

That's when you're have a whole set of other issues that come along with it.

And this is something that kind of goes along with all of this. It's partially my idea. And my ideas have changed somewhat on this and spanking might be a, I don't know, I don't give a fuck. It's not really a hot button topic. It's something that people talk about all the time. And some parents spank, some parents don't. And I know that for me, when I was younger, before I had kids,

I was like, you I don't know if I really want to spank or hit my kids for disciplinarian purposes. But that being said, I could see that there might be times to potentially utilize that type of discipline. Mostly because I got spankings when I was younger. I was in a different generation and we got spanked. And so I thought that this is just like, you know, this is normal. This is fine. But as I've gotten older and as I've had kids, I've come to realize, or at least in my opinion,

that I don't think that it's necessary. And I don't think that it's something that has to be done in order to give discipline. And you'll have certain parents that are just be like, ⁓ I spanked, I turned out fine. It's like, yeah, maybe, but there's other things that probably come up in your life that came up from being spanked. And I'm not saying that the generation before us is worse or terrible for spanking. I just think that there's potentially a better way that can not be spanking and not be hitting. Because I think that it's really easy as a parent.

to think like, well, I just spanked for this certain thing and it's a non-emotional thing. But in all reality, I don't think that that's the truth. As a parent, if I ever got to a point where I was like, my kid deserves a spanking, I think I'd be emotionally charged. I think I'd be angry. And I think that that's where it's super detrimental because it's like, you're the safe space for your kids, especially when they're younger, when they're typically getting spanked, right? Or they're typically getting some sort of corporal punishment.

It's when they're younger, you're trying to get them to not do something. And in all reality, like you are that person that they should be going to, right? They're coming to you. The world is already harsh enough and scary enough

they don't need to come home and be afraid of their own parents that if they do something small or if they, I don't know, aren't able to regulate their emotion in a certain situation that they have to fear that they're gonna get hit from their parents and their parents are gonna be angry and they're gonna be scared of that. I also kind of think of it in this terminology and this might be, I'm sure there's plenty of you that are out there like, this is fucking bleeding heart, softy, I spanked my kids, whatever, fuck off. If you really think that way, like,

you haven't been listening to what I'm saying. I think of it like this, is that if I was in public and I saw a husband hit his wife because she did something that he didn't like, I would fucking go in there and beat the shit out of that guy. I would step in. So why is it that if we see an adult hit another adult or do something like that, even if it's like for quote unquote discipline, why is that not okay? But it's okay for us to do that to kids, right? luckily I haven't seen.

anyone spank anyone in front of me before, but I, I'm not going to lie that if I did see an adult who was aggressive to a kid or hit them or did something like that, like it would fucking, even if it's on my kid, I'm all for parents being parents, their kids. I don't want someone to come in and like stop me from, you know, if I've talked terse to my kids or if I'm like more authoritarian that they would like, I don't want them to come in and try to undermine what I'm doing with my kids. But if we saw an adult hitting another adult,

we'd step in. So my question is, why is it fine when it's for kids? Why is it okay for that? So that's just my little rant on that. It's something that I've been thinking about and something that I, like I said, my views have changed on it and I'm not gonna sit here and say that, I'm gonna stop other people from parenting the way that they want to parent and

Do I still think that it's okay? Like not for me, not for me, but if it were gonna happen, if another parent was gonna utilize that technique, I really think that it should be something that's completely non-emotional, some sort of, I don't know, action then consequence, this is consequence. There's no emotion, there's no yelling, there's nothing like that. It's just like a very cold and.

emotionless thing that happens because at least in that point, it's not like, I don't know, it's almost like it's like it isn't a consequence as opposed to some sort of like emotional attack because, you always talk about if you burn your hand on a stove, you learn the lesson action consequence, but the stove's not sitting there yelling at you, telling you're a bad kid or doing anything like that. It's the stove is cold, unemotionless, but that's just the consequence that you get. You touch a hot stove, you're going to get fucking burned.

And so I think if you are going to incorporate this, like I said, you don't have to listen to me. I don't give a shit if you do. I'm just kind of venting out these ideas that I have in my head and maybe someone picks up on something. But if you do go this route of having corporal punishment within your relationship with your child, I hope that it's non-emotional, that it's really just a consequence for an action and that your kids don't have to associate some sort of emotional importance.

or feel like they're a bad kid or that their mom and dad don't like them because of something that they did. All of this coming back to the fact that kids are not mini adults and that there's probably plenty of offenses that we do as adults that would earn us a spanking, but we expect our kids to be able to be perfect all the time. And if they're not, boom, they get a spanking, they get in trouble, all this stuff. So like I said, I don't know where I'm going to go completely with this, except for the fact that I have conflicted thoughts on it.

My thoughts have changed over the years as I become an adult, as I become a dad. And for me personally, I just don't think that I could do it. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me in that type of way. I want my kids to respect me. I want my kids to listen to me. I've gotten that effect down pretty pat. I'm not a yeller. I don't yell at my kids. I have requests. I use stern voices.

But if I really get to a point where I need them to know something like my yelling voice, it works just fine and I reserve it for few and far in between. So it has the same effect as a spanking, as corporal punishment. Those are just some of the thoughts that I had on some of these things that have been coming up.

And yeah, in terms of like teaching a lesson versus punishment, I think that discipline and punishment have two different things because I'm not going to lie and say that there have been times where I've been upset with my children and there's this little inkling in the back of my head. like I'm going to teach them a lesson or like you almost get like this, you know, they deserve this. It's almost I mean, it kind of feels gross saying it it's almost like you're pitting yourself against your kids.

in a certain way and like it's like a conniving, manipulative thing that comes up. And like I said, it's normal. I've, I have felt that before, but it's like being mindful to stop that type of thinking and to figure out a better way. Cause at the end of the day, you're trying to, like I said, you're trying to build good little human beings and you're the model for it. And I don't know if, ⁓ if I was a kid and I thought,

someone did something that I don't like or isn't the right thing. And the model for me was like something that wasn't right. That results in some sort of physical altercation, physical punishment. You know, they're going to think that that's, that's okay. And, discipline is to stop a behavior. And I think that punishment sometimes can go into more of the sadistic and revenge and payback type of mentality.

in any parent that says that it's not, you're lying to yourself. Cause I haven't done that. And I've had those little, those little inklings of shitty thoughts pop into my head before. Cause it's normal. We're human beings. Even if you're a parent, even if you're a dad, even if you're a good dad, these intrusive thoughts will always come into our heads and we'll think certain things. So that's why I just stay away from it altogether. and I think that discipline is a good, good thing to do. Having boundaries for your kids is a good thing. Having structure for your kids.

but I'm just not on board with the corporal punishment. I also think that you can get more out of children by connecting with them. And I know that this is something that's, I hear some of the, what's it called? Some of the insta-psychologists, insta-moms, insta-dads that are just always like, you know, make connection and don't tell your kids. I think there's a fine line. You don't wanna just go so soft that,

you're gonna try and have connection, but just because you have a connection with your kids doesn't mean they're always gonna listen to you, doesn't mean they're always gonna do what's right. Your job is to help guide them, but I think that it's a lot easier if you're connected with your kids to have them really do stuff that's right, to really have them see the benefit of doing good things and to listen, to behave, to become a good human being.

having that connection is gonna be better than just being an authoritarian figure. Because I mean, even if you look at governments, Authoritarianism can get things done, but at the end of the day, it usually breeds resentment in the population. And I think the same thing can be said within raising kids, that being authoritarian, having the boot down and all that stuff can get your kids to listen, but when they're...

at a point where you're no longer threatening them, are they gonna do what's right? Are they gonna be good? Or are they gonna be resentful and be like, fuck that, I'm gonna go the opposite direction? It could go either way. Like I said at the beginning of this, you could do everything right and kids are human beings, which means that they're unpredictable and there's no guarantee that they're gonna be a good person. I'm just saying in terms of patterns and putting yourself in the best situation and your kids in the best situation. That's what I believe. I think you should try to guide through connection, through love.

through being a good example. ⁓ yeah, ⁓ that's really it. I think that being a loving parent, being a good example for your kids is the most important thing that you can do to them. Build a connection with your kids. them the benefit to being a good person, to doing the right thing, that there is a benefit there and that they shouldn't just do it because there's a threat of them getting in trouble or the threat of a spanking or something like that.

but they should be doing it because when they do that, it's more of a peaceful situation. You're in connection with those children and there's a benefit to being a good person, not necessarily just a punishment, that there's also this benefit that comes along with doing the right thing. So that's my thought on it. I don't know. Maybe this is a hot button episode that people like, people don't like. I don't know. ⁓ Call me soft, call me hard, call me whatever you want.

but that's just my thoughts on it. And I'm going to continue to try and be mindful every day and think about these things and have these conversations on the podcast. Cause I'm kind of talking to myself, trying to work out what my thoughts are, where I'm going. And just like my thoughts on spanking have changed over the years. I'm sure that my, my thinking on this will continue to change. And this is just a way for me to vet that all out, but that's going to be it for, for this week's episode. I hope that.

you enjoyed it, hopefully you got something small out of it or maybe you're super pissed off and just wanna yell at me. Either way, feel free, leave a comment, send me a message, a little button in there. Let me know what you think about the episode, what you think about my thoughts on this and until next week, have a fantastic rest of the day, good week, good weekend and see y'all on Tuesday.

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