The Unhinged Father
Welcome to The Unhinged Father (TUF), a podcast that brings a relatable and unapologetic look at the challenges of modern fatherhood and life as a millennial dad. Each week, we dive into the ups and downs of parenting, personal growth, and navigating a world that sometimes feels like it’s lost its way. This is a space for young dads, parents, and anyone on a path of self-improvement who wants to hear real talk about life’s struggles, triumphs, and everything in between.
As your host, I’m on this journey alongside you. Sharing ideas, life tips, humor, and even some unfiltered takes, we’ll confront societal expectations, challenge common beliefs, and tackle issues affecting everyday families and young men. Here, it’s okay not to have everything figured out—whether you’re a step ahead or behind, we’re all in this together.
Tune in for honest, irreverent conversations on personal development, fatherhood, parenting, mental resilience, and staying grounded in a world of extremes. Expect episodes filled with humor, empathy, practical wisdom, and a sense of community for anyone striving to be a better version of themselves.
TUF is where personal growth, dad life, and real-world challenges intersect. Join the conversation, embrace the journey, and let’s navigate the unhinged side of fatherhood and modern life together.
The Unhinged Father
Redefining Success in Parenting: Embracing Growth Over Competition
Are parents turning childhood milestones into unnecessary competitions? In this episode of The Unhinged Father, we dive into the unspoken rivalry among parents—who walked first, who talked first, and who’s already doing calculus at age two. 🤦♂️
I break down why comparing kids’ development is pointless, how it creates unnecessary stress, and why it’s time to stop tying our self-worth to how fast our kids hit milestones. Plus, a personal update on my fitness journey, parenting struggles, and the absurdity of yet another school vacation week.
If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at a humblebragging parent or felt pressure to keep up with the competition, this episode is for you. 🎙️
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All right, everyone welcome to the show. Hope you're all having a fantastic day, having a good month so far, Hope 2025 is off to a fantastic start for you and that you're sticking to all of your New Year's resolutions. Hope you're still in the gym, still not eating chocolate, not cussing as much. Whatever it was that you came up with. I hope that you're sticking to it. For me, somewhat, I'm sticking to some of those things, definitely not doing as good at planning out these episodes as I thought I was going to be able to do. That being said, we've just been. We're always busy. We've got two kids, we both work. Things come up, but this week, unexpectedly or not necessarily unexpectedly we knew it was on the calendar, something new. I didn't go to public school, but my son has this entire week off of school. They call it President's Day vacation or whatever it is. I know what you're thinking. The kids just had two weeks off for Christmas break and they're going to have another week off in spring for spring break. So what the fuck is this President's Day break? Why do they get an entire week off during President's Day? I don't know. Just another excuse for them not to teach my kids or to take care of them while I work. But it's all good. We pivoted, we're getting stuff done. My son caught a lizard today. It's sunny enough, so yeah, we're doing good. On top of all that good stuff, just a quick update on the health front, if you care. If you've been listening for a while, you know that I've been on this. I don't want to call it a journey, I feel like that's too cliche and everyone uses that, but I've just been trying to get healthier, lose weight, feel better about myself, feel better about how I look in the mirror and just also have more energy, be able to move around easier. I got down to my lowest weight last Friday, which was when we do real weigh-ins, and over the weekend I gained some of it back because I don't count calories over the weekend, but I got down to 258.6, which is the lowest that I've been in a while. Saw a picture comparison of actually a picture just showed up that showed me 12 years ago with my wife and I feel like I look older than I do now. So still doing the right things counting my calories, going and lifting and exercising, trying to get sleep, prioritizing my health that's where I'm at. I'm still on it. Hopefully by summertime I'll just be super jacked and tan and ready to take on summer. But stay tuned, I'll do some more updates about exercise, fitness, all that stuff the things that we struggle with or at least I struggle with being a dad, being a husband, being busy, working. It's hard but it's important. It's important to take care of your health. That's just a small little update on where I'm at with some of my New Year's resolutions and what I'm focusing on right now. But for today, for the episode, let's go ahead and jump on in Now.
Speaker 1:For a lot of parents out there whether you're a new parent, an old parent or you've been doing this for a long time you're about to become a parent. There's one thing that definitely happens, especially if you have friends who are parents or with siblings who are parents. Once you start having kids, there's this weird thing that happens and I feel like it happens a lot more within, like the mom groups and stuff like that, but not to take away from the fact that this also is something that pops up with dads in dad groups. I've definitely struggled with this and I've had it pop up in my own parenting. I'm about to say journey again. I don't know why. I want to say everything's a journey.
Speaker 1:This has shown up in my parenting story as well, and that is the act of turning just regular childhood milestones or accomplishments into competitions and then like bragging about it. And I'll explain what I mean with that. But but you let me just paint a picture for you. You're sitting down, your kid has finally learned how to sit up by themselves and you're super excited about it. You're like, oh, look, they're sitting up. And then you've got this mom who walks by and is like, oh yeah, my kid was sitting up when they were X amount of months younger than your kid, but my kid's just special. It might not come out exactly like that, but there's this weird competition.
Speaker 1:Like I said, I fall into the same thing where I make the weirdest things a competition. Like my kid did this faster than your kid, or my kid's so advanced he went shit on the toilet at the age of two, or he started walking when he was 13 seconds old, or started doing long division when he was 14 seconds out the womb, whatever it is 14 seconds out the womb, whatever it is. Parents constantly turn these milestones that kids are going to eventually hit into like this competitive game between other parents, between other kids, and it's really something that needs to come to an end Not because it really matters, like no one really gives a crap. And your kid's eventually going to get potty trained, your kid's going to eventually walk, your kid's eventually going to be talking. There are all these different things that our kids are eventually going to do that everyone eventually figures out and everyone figures them out at different points along their lives.
Speaker 1:But we take it and we make it into like this competition with other parents, that almost like we're doing such a good job as parents, or that we're so much more superior, or that our kids are superior to the other kids, that they're able to do these things quicker, that they're just a little bit more special, a little bit more talented, a little bit more important than other kids, because they're able to say goo-goo-ga-ga and ultimately, what it does is sure. It's making you feel a little bit better about yourself. Potentially, maybe that's why people do it, because they just want to feel like they have this like little boost of self-confidence that they're doing a good job as a parent, which you are right. Good, if your kid started walking at an early age, maybe you did a few things that helped them do that. Or if your kid learned how to go potty at age one was already, you know, wiping their butt and peeing on their own. Maybe there are certain things that you did as a parent that helped push them along to that, and good on you.
Speaker 1:I'm not here to take anything away from you on that one, but what I would say is that it more feeling of self-doubt and almost like a self-consciousness that can be developed in parents whose kids don't develop those milestones or don't hit those milestones as quickly as some of the other kids, even though it's completely normal, even though it's normal that they don't hit those. There's a range and that range is fucking big. It's anywhere from six months old to like three and a half years old. That's a giant window, that's a giant time frame, and that doesn't mean that the parents are doing a bad job and that also doesn't mean like the kids are any less talented or any less important or any less special.
Speaker 1:By making it a competition, you're creating these feelings of self-doubt in other people, and not everyone's going to fall into that. Hopefully, other parents who have kids that are developing a little bit slower or not hitting those milestones right away. Hopefully they are able to shake it off and just realize that, hey, my kid's just developing at a different speed. That's fine. They're going to have their own special set of talents and they are going to eventually do these things that other parents are or other kids are starting to hit. But if not, or if you're like a really obnoxious person about it and just constantly talking about it and acting like you're so high and mighty about it, you can create these feelings not only in the parents but also potentially in the kids, especially as they get older, talking about how this kid's able to do this and this kid's able to do that, and like you're not able to do that, you're not able to walk yet, oh, you should be walking. Or you can't read yet, you should be able to read, write. My kid's already reading and writing. They've been doing that since they were two years old and I don't want this to get twisted into me saying that you can't be proud of your kids or proud of their achievements.
Speaker 1:It's that boastful, greater than thou mentality that I know that other people see out there. Like I said, we all struggle with it. I've, I have done this, I have bragged about my youngest walking at 10 months and my oldest walking at 12 months old. He was faster than pretty much all of his cousins to learn how to walk and learn how to talk both of my boys which obviously that just means that my kids are far superior to everyone else's. No, they're not. They're good kids. They're great kids. Some may say they're the best kids, but you know, for me I don't necessarily want to have that negative impact on other parents or on other kids and make them feel shameful.
Speaker 1:And additionally to this point is that someday my kids are going to run into kids that are better than them at certain things or that are hitting milestones quicker than they are or can do things that they can't do. And if I'm constantly just sitting there and tying in this competitive mindset when it comes to these things, what's going to happen to my kids when they're on the opposite side of it? Or to anyone Right? Not just me, like I said, I'm trying not to do this but to that boastful mom or that boastful dad who's bragging about how their kids started walking at six months old and started reciting Robert Foss poetry when they were two years old. What happens one day when they get to a milestone or to something that they can't necessarily do or that they struggle with and there's other kids that are doing better than them and they've been told their entire life and you've tied in part of your personality into them doing things quickly. It's going to have a huge impact on them and hopefully they have the resilience to kind of get over it quickly.
Speaker 1:But I just it's going to happen to everyone. You're going to run into a time where there's someone better than you. I always tell anyone who plays sports, or when I talk about wrestling or football or rugby it doesn't matter what it is, you can be really good at a lot of different things. You're eventually going to run into someone who's better than you and that's why you don't necessarily want to just completely build your entire persona around this competition with other people or what other people are doing, and by doing that, as a parent, your kids are going to pick up on that common theme with this show Kids watch us, kids imitate us, kids follow the example that we lead. So if we're constantly putting out this persona of like, we're tying everything to these milestones or to these achievements, as opposed to the kid's personality or just all of the good things that they have. It's going to cause issues in the future, or at least that's what I think Now.
Speaker 1:That doesn't mean that you shouldn't try your best to help your kid develop. I'm not saying sit back, let your kid do whatever the hell they want. If they're struggling or if they're not wanting to do certain things that are developmentally appropriate, you should be there trying to help them along in a loving and caring manner, not because you wanna be able to brag or show that your kid did it to the other moms and dads of the group, but because that's what's best for your child. That's gonna make them happy. Being able to walk, being able to talk, being able to go potty like these, are things that are going to help them assimilate in to their with their peers.
Speaker 1:And so when you're doing this stuff, it's your responsibility as a parent to help your kids develop and to help them get these skills, but also not to tie so much of your own persona, so much of your own self-worth, into them hitting these milestones, because if they don't, they're going to be able to sense that either you're disappointed even if you're good at hiding it, they're going to sense you're disappointed, or if you're not good at hiding it, if you're a real dick and you just wear your emotions on your sleeves, like I can do, they're going to see that, or you're going to tell them. You're going to get upset, you're going to get angry, you're going to treat them differently. And so just I guess to ask of this episode is not to treat the milestones and the achievements of your children, especially when they're younger, when they can't control it, you can't control it. Especially when they're younger, when they can't control it. You can't control it. You're not going to be able to tell when your kid's going to go to potty, when they're going to be able to swim, when they're going to be able to walk, or when they're going to be able to crawl or sit up or sleep in a big boy bed and get out of their crib. You're not going to know when all of this stuff's going to happen. It's just going to happen eventually when the kid's ready for it, when you're ready for it, it's going to happen.
Speaker 1:So don't tie all of your self-worth into these things. Don't tie their self-worth into it. These are just things they achieve. Your kids are a lot deeper than that. You, as a parent are a lot deeper than that. It doesn't have this reflection on you unless you're just absolutely not doing anything and just sitting around and drinking Mai Tais all day, then maybe it is a reflection on you. But for the most part, if you care, if you try, if you're working towards being a good parent, your kids are going to hit these milestones, even if it's a little bit slow, and this is not just for the. I'm talking about it in terms of all of the small things that they do when they're little, when they're walking or talking and all of these things. But this also goes when they get older, when they start playing sports or they start doing speech and debate or they start getting academic achievements or whatever it is. Whenever they're getting to the point where they can start achieving and doing things that are going to get them accolades, it's great to embrace that, to reward that, to push them to be the best person that they can be.
Speaker 1:We always want to try and help nudge our children along, guide them along the path of life and getting them to try and be the best versions of themselves that is possible. You want them to get there. That being said, you don't want that to be the sole thing that they hold on to. You always see those kids that just achievement, achievement, achievement that's who they are is. They are achievement. They are what they do as opposed to they are who they are.
Speaker 1:I want my kids to have those achievements that they get, or that hard work, my kids to have those achievements that they get, or that hard work, get them these certain achievements, or get them these certain milestones, and they can feel good about those things. But the achievements aren't them. The hard work, the persistence, the failures, all those things, that kind of wrap in all of that encapsulated, that is them, that's their character, that's their personality and that's the thing that I want them to hang their hat on. That's the thing that I want them to be the most proud of and that should be the thing that I'm the most proud of them for, as a parent, pushing them forward, helping them be great people and realizing that they're. They can achieve great things.
Speaker 1:But even if they don't, or even if they're unable to do it, that they still have value and worth. And if you're holding their achievements to such a high standard, they're going to see that as well. They're going to see that mom and dad care about what I do, the achievements I hit, the milestones I hit when I win, when I succeed, and they're going to think that you're latching on to the thing as opposed to them, as opposed to the people that they are, and you want to just make sure that you let them know that it's not about the achievement, it's about them, it's about the work that they put in, it's about their character, it's about their personality. Those are the things that you care about as a person. And the achievements, the awards, the milestones, those are just the end results of the actual journey.
Speaker 1:Now, this is like a negative connotation, but I don't know how else to say it. Those are the symptoms, not the disease, right, but not, like your kid's, a disease. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well Now. I just feel like I'm kind of rambling. But anyways, you get what I'm saying. It's about them, about the hard work that they put in, and don't let your whole personality or your whole self-worth get wrapped up into the achievements and milestones of your kids, because they're going to see that that's what you put so much worth in and it's going to have a big negative impact on them, a big negative impact on you, and it could be setting you and your kids down a path that you really don't want to go. I know that I don't necessarily want to go down that path, so I'm going to steer clear of it.
Speaker 1:Everything in this life can be made into a competition, and that's more of a reflection on us as parents as opposed to a reflection of our children. We're the first ones to kind of push our kids down that direction, and so I just urge you, if you're one of those parents of the high achieving kids, take a step back. See if you're boasting, see if you're bragging, see if you're being a fucking annoying twat, and if you are, acknowledge it and just maybe keep your mouth shut for a little bit. Let other kids kind of get in there and succeed. Let other parents come in and talk about what their kids have done. Just don't always make it about you and about your kids' achievements.
Speaker 1:I'm glad that they're hitting certain milestones. I'm glad that they're a great kid. I'm sure that some of your parenting has definitely led to them being there. But you don't always have to be singing it from a high rooftop. You can in private, right? You can when your kids are around, you should be praising them. But you know what I mean. Don't be some braggadocious a-hole.
Speaker 1:And if you're one of those parents to the kids that aren't necessarily hitting all their milestones, or they go a little bit slower or they go at their own speed, it's okay. You're doing fine. If you're trying, if you're learning, if you really do care about your kids and you want what's best for them, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can do. I'm sure that your kids are eventually going to succeed or going to hit those milestones, and it's okay. Everything's going to be okay. You're not a terrible parent because your kid's not going potty at the age of one. You're not a terrible parent because your kid's not walking at six months old. You're not a terrible parent if your kid's not reading in a certain age right, unless they're like 18, then yeah, maybe you did do some shit wrong, but for the most part, in early stages of childhood, your kids are going to do what they're going to do. They're going to go at their own speed. You help them along and you're doing just fine. Everything's going to be okay. Your kids are going to be okay. They'll get into Harvard, they'll get into Penn, they'll get into Yale, whatever it is. Wherever you want them to go, your kids can achieve whatever they want to achieve. You're helping them along the way. Don't tie all of it into these milestones. Don't let other parents make you feel like you're less, than if your kid's not going at the same speed that they are. And yeah, just keep on trying your best, everything's going gonna be okay. You're doing a great job. Keep it up, and that's gonna do it for this episode. Oh, before I go sorry, not the whole episode Recommendation for a TV show that ties into this episode of Tough.
Speaker 1:Go and watch Bluey. I know it's a kid's show and I don't care. It's a great show, great cartoon. It's funny, good for the kids, good for the adults. Bluey the episode is called Baby Race and if you don't cry, you're not a human being.
Speaker 1:That is going to be it for this episode of the Unhinged Father, or Tough as I like to call it. I hope that you all enjoy it. I feel like I went roundabout all the way around and just endless stream of consciousness on this one, just like every other episode. So I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions or if you agree disagree, as always, send me a message, either through email, instagram or you can click at the bottom of the show notes. There is a little button that says send a message about the show. I can't respond to you, but I can see those messages and I would very much appreciate it. If there's anything that you want me to talk about, or if you have any notes or critiques of the show, definitely let me know. That's it. Have a good rest of the day and I will see.
