The Parenting Tightrope: Discipline, Empathy, and Raising Good Humans

In this episode of The Unhinged Father, Robbie reflects on a heartfelt, wine-fueled conversation with his father-in-law about parenting philosophies. Dive into a candid exploration of balancing old-school toughness and discipline with new-school empathy and emotional intelligence when raising kids. Robbie shares personal anecdotes, insights from his upbringing, and his journey as a dad navigating the gray areas of parenting.

Discover how to:

• Push your kids to strive for greatness without crushing their spirit.
• Blend boundaries with unconditional love to foster resilience and confidence.
• Avoid the extremes of authoritarian and overly permissive parenting styles.

Whether you lean toward traditional or modern parenting, this episode offers relatable stories and thought-provoking ideas to help you raise strong, compassionate, and self-aware children.

🔑 Keywords: parenting balance, old-school vs. new-school parenting, emotional intelligence, raising resilient kids, parenting challenges, gentle parenting, discipline and empathy.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Parenting: Old School vs. New School
• 6:09 Finding Balance in Parenting Styles
• 10:56 The Importance of Unconditional Love
• 15:51 Setting an Example for Our Children
• 20:23 The Quest for Balance in Parenting

Transcript

Robbie (00:00)
All right, everyone, welcome to the show. Hope everyone's having a fantastic day so far. Good week and having a great start to 2025. Got a good show planned for you today. It all kind of stems from a conversation I had with my father-in-law about a week back. Really dove into, well, first of all, we had a couple of drinks. I may have had a few too many glasses of wine and we really dove into just raising kids, old school, new school mentalities, how to push kids, but also having empathy and

There were a lot of things that kind of came through and I wanted to have this conversation on the podcast with myself because obviously if you listen to this, if you're part of the Unhinged Father stratosphere, all of the millions and millions of fans out there that you know, I like to hash out these ideas and kind of take you on a whirlwind of where my mind's at and hopefully it's something that resonates with you. Maybe you get some good ideas out of it, but this is just something that came up while I was partaking in a few adult

beverages with my father-in-law. And I wanted to share some of it with you all today. So bear with me. It's not super well thought out. I feel like I say that every week. But I always get to the day before that these are going to release. And I'm like, all right, what am I going to talk about now? But let's go ahead and jump into the meat and potatoes of today's episode.

Now as I've talked about on previous episodes, am someone who

feels like I don't really fit in anywhere within society. I'm sure that I do. I'm sure there are other people like me, but I really hold on to some of the old school mentality. And I was raised in not like the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s. I'm not a Gen X. I'm not just some feral. I wasn't raised as some feral child, but I definitely had some of that old school, tough love, child rearing.

that was used on me when I was growing up. And I still hold onto some of those ideas and some of those tactics as I'm growing up. And I think that they can be utilized pretty well. But I'm also someone who falls into a lot of the new school mentality as well. Someone who understands emotional intelligence and having empathy and that our kids are little human beings that

Although they can't make all the decisions on their own and that we, you know, they don't have to be explained. Everything doesn't have to be explained to them because they don't truly understand that we should treat them like they're human beings and that we should try not to be to the best of our ability hypocrites. Actually at church this past weekend, my pastor talked about how a lot of us can be hypocrites. He was speaking specifically about

Christians to non Christians. But he he basically said like, yeah, us as parents, we all tell our kids your room has to be absolutely spotless while knowing that our room looks like an absolute fucking shit show like a tornado hit it. And, you know, that's that's true for us. I feel like I'm keeping every aspect of my life or our house a lot cleaner and like always cleaning up the kids room and picking up toys and stuff. Our room always seems to be the last place that we focus on. And part of that could be

a symptom of us just caring more about taking care of our kids as opposed to taking care of ourselves. But at the end of the day, we hold our kids to a high standard to keep their rooms clean while not necessarily keeping ourselves to that same high standard of making sure that we've got our shit in order as well. And so I think that that can be applied to a lot of different areas within our life. When you're talking about raising kids, how you talk to them, how you treat them, just acknowledging that

they are little human beings. And even if you're in control and you don't run a democracy in terms of like the way that you raise them, and you're more of a dictator, that you can still treat them with some empathy and respect.

You know, I definitely feel like half of my audience would probably call me soft.

wimpy, gentle parenting. And I'm sure that half of you are probably like, God, this guy's like a complete dick to his kids. He tells them no. And I'm right there. I'm right there in the middle, like I am on a lot of things. I can be a dick. I can be harsh. I definitely raise my voice sometimes with my kids. And I hold them to a high standard. But I'm also someone who's really empathetic, constantly telling them how much I love them and how proud I am of them and really just want them to be the best that they can be.

And I guess where I want to take this episode is trying to figure out, is there a way to achieve a state where me as a parent, I'm pushing the ideas of grit, perseverance, determination, just this, this not necessarily hardness, but

this strength that comes along with some of the old school mentality that I hold onto, but blending that together with...

empathy, love, and emotional intelligence. Like how can we find a good balance between that old school and new school mentality? And it's, I've already done an episode about the old school versus new school mentality. This is specific when it comes to.

raising kids and I'll give you some examples on that as we push forward. And like I said, a lot of this came from having this conversation with my father in law. And I'm sure that there are things that we talked about that he didn't necessarily do when he was was younger, when he was raising my wife, that he hopes to see in future generations, things that he probably reflects back on. He's like, I could have done this better. I could have done this better. And I think that these are the right ways to do it. And that's that's what I'm hopeful that will kind

weave our way through today.

And a lot of this stemmed from in our conversation, guess the main thing that we were talking about was how we can push our kids to be the best versions of themselves that they can be, to push them to do well in sports, to push them to do well in school, to push them to be good people.

but at the same time not crush their soul, crush their emotions, crush their feelings and just make them feel like none of that stuff matters as well. How are you able to do both of those things and not just create some kid who completely gives into their feelings and emotions if they're in a hard spot, they just give up, throw their hands and like, fuck this, I can't do this. I don't feel like doing it. But at the same time, not just creating some mindless robot that does whatever the fuck that you want.

or what society expects of them, how do you create this free thinking individual that can understand nuance, gray areas, when to do one thing and when to do the other thing and can like create their own moral and emotional compass to navigate through life? I don't know.

I wish I did know. We'll talk about what I think, but I'm not 100 % sure yet because my kid, my eldest kid is only five and a half years old. So I haven't got to a point to see whether or not it's truly working or not because

He hasn't come across anything that's been like this huge adversity in his lifetime yet besides not being able to watch TV at night or dad raising his voice or us making him go and do wrestling or baseball when he'd rather just go in the backyard and look for lizards or catch snakes or catch worms.

I think I'm doing a decent job of it so far, but only time will tell. And we'll see. Maybe you agree with me. Maybe you disagree with me.

And I feel like on a larger scale, this is definitely a conversation that's happening on like a societal level as well. We've talked about gentle parenting and old school parenting and disciplinarian parenting. We've talked about a lot of these different things and you all know that I kind of fall in the middle like like most things. I'm just one of those weak, wimpy, moderate people who thinks that

the answers that we're looking for typically fall somewhere in between the extremes on both sides.

But like as a society, especially if you read any of like the child psychology books now, or if you listen to any of the Insta psychologist, Insta mom, stuff like that, everything is always about validating your kids feelings and.

empathizing with them and trying to make make them feel like you're always on their team and There's a lot of things that you know Not all of them say don't tell them no they talked about having boundaries But it's definitely a softer gentler approach and then you've got the old-school Gen X boomer generation. That's just like kids should be should be seen not heard Do what I say because I'm the boss it doesn't matter what you're feeling your feelings and emotions are irrational and are of no consequence and

I'm not on either one of those boats.

There's gotta be a way for us as parents to be able to hold on to both of those ideals, meld them together and then utilize them in different situations.

because I had emotions when I was growing up. There were things that I was emotional about. There were things that I thought that my parents were probably doing wrong or there were times where they were yelling at me or asked me to do something and like I let my emotions really kind of cloud my judgment. And it would have been really nice to know that even if I made the wrong choice or even if I wasn't necessarily the best or, failed at something,

that that didn't mean that I wasn't enough for my parents or that they didn't love me. And I know that now, right? I know now that my parents loved me no matter what, but it's definitely harder when you're a kid you don't have the proper cerebral channels to really.

go down and be like, no, my parents loved me no matter what. All you see is like I failed at football or I didn't catch the ball and my parents yelled at me, screamed at me, know, said I failed or if I messed something up or I didn't come home in time for curfew, it's like that was like the end of the world and they treated me like it was the end of the world. I don't think that that's necessarily the right path to go down, but I also feel like there is a time where

Parents can be disappointed in the actions that kids make, in the actions that kids make, right? Disappointed in the actions and focusing on their actions or what they did, things like that, as opposed to disappointed in their character or who they are as a person and just letting them know that even though you're disappointed or even though you're upset,

that you still love them as a person and there's nothing that they can do that would prevent you from loving them as a person, from being proud of them as a person and having this unconditional love for them. And I think that that's really probably where it all comes in is that there needs to be some sort of balance.

Our kids should know that there's a balance between the boundaries and the hard lessons that we have to teach them as parents and us loving them and us caring about them and us taking care of them. is a distinction between that and

I think the way that I phrased it with my father-in-law when I was drinking a bunch of wine and was, you know, reminiscing on how I'm treating my kids and essentially asking him for his, his approval that I'm doing a good job because you don't really know. You don't know if you're doing a good job. You won't know until later in life. And, it's hard sometimes to not know, to not have just like a

couple check marks that you can check off or go down a list and be like, did this, this and this. I'm a great dad. I'm a great parent. I'm sure that that's very difficult to not have that. And so I was looking for validation in that moment, like I said, because I had a couple of glasses of wine and was probably feeling a little bit more vulnerable than normal. but what I came down to was

We want to make sure, or I want to make sure, that I'm letting my kids know that they will always be enough for me, that there's nothing that they could do, positive or negative, that's going to make me love them more or less, that I love them for who they are and they will always be enough for me. But at the same time, pushing them...

to try and be better for themselves, to always strive to be the best version of themselves that they can be, not because my love or my approval hinges on their effort towards that, but because that's what's gonna make them a great person. That's what's gonna make them feel fulfilled. That's what's gonna lead them to great things, and that's what I want for them. Not for me. I don't want it for me. I want it for them. I want them to have an amazing life because I love them.

That's the ultimate goal of a parent is to create children who are able to have the best life that they possibly can.

And you always hear about some of the greatest athletes I think Shaxx is a great example. There's a lot of these.

big time athletes who have gone on to do amazing things and have been pushed to the very brink. And you will listen to how their parents pushed them when they were younger and kind of denied them some of their feelings and would say stuff that could be seen as very hurtful, but really was like nothing was ever good enough for them. And those things did eventually push those people to achieve those great things. But I'm sure that if you took back some of the layers or if you

really dove into that person's psyche that there were issues that popped up because of that constant pressure, because of that constant pushing, because of that constant external pressure that was coming in to that person to try and strive to be the best that they could possibly be, whether that be basketball, football, any of those things.

You can push your kids to do these things. I'm not sitting here saying, don't push your kids to be great. This is actually the thing that I struggle with because I want my kids to do well. I want my kids to, if they're going to play football or baseball, to do the best that they can be. My eldest is doing wrestling right now. It's really difficult for me as a father and someone who helps coach him as well, see the potential that he has and then see how he applies it out on the mat.

Most of it is because he's five years old and he doesn't give a shit about wrestling right now. He just wants to fucking play with his friends and he's still a really sweet kid and doesn't have that killer instinct, which is great. I don't want him to be a mean bully, but I wish that he had that, you know, me as an adult, I learned to flip that switch when I played sports, when I wrestled, when I played football. I'm generally a nice person, but when I played sports, I flipped the switch. had that killer instinct would go out there, wrestle hard, could turn it off as soon as I was done.

And I guess for me as a dad, I still want my son to have that, but I don't want to force it upon him when I don't want to necessarily take away from who he is in order to achieve that. So it's like I have to temper my own feelings in order to help him be who he's going to be.

But we can push. We can try to get them to be the best at the things that they're striving for and really try to help them understand. That's probably where it goes is like you need to try and help them understand why they should want to be the best, why they should strive to be good at something, why they should strive to play football well or play baseball well, because it's fun.

Because winning is fun. Because being good at something can be really fun. And if you're not having fun while you're doing it, if it's not enjoyable to you, then try and find something that you are enjoying. Try to find something that you're good at or that you're not good at, but that you enjoy trying to become better at. That's what I want. I want you to find something that you have passion for and that you're trying to be better at, that you can work towards, that you can put effort into, and you can learn a lot of the skills that you're gonna need as you get older in life.

And another thing that we as parents need to try and do because we can push, do better, be better, all of these things. But at the end of the day, there's always someone that's stronger, faster, bigger, better than you at everything. Doesn't matter what the fuck it is. Doesn't matter who the fuck you are.

you are going to lose at some point in your life. And a lot of kids don't really learn that, especially the ones who have the parents who are so far on the one side where they're just like, push to be the best, push to be the best, push to be the best. If you're not showing by example that it's OK to lose, that it's OK to fail, that it's OK not to always be the best,

then your kids are going to pick up on that. They're always looking towards us as the example. And even though you could tell them, it's OK that you failed. All I really want for you is to try your best. If they don't see that in you and the way that you live your life and the way that you approach things, then they're going to catch on. And they're going to have that same issue as they grow older as well. And so we as parents need to make sure that we're being the examples for all of this, right?

is being the example of trying hard, doing your best, right? If we want our kids to clean their room, we better damn sure well make sure that our room is clean and that we're taking care of our own shit, right? If we want our kids to try the best sports that they're doing, then whatever we do, whether it's, I don't know, a rec league or some fucking podcast that you just decided to start out of the, you know, just because people told you you should try and do it or you want to learn to play the guitar.

any of those things, it doesn't matter what it is, whatever you're trying to do or whatever your kid sees you trying to do, they should see you striving to do it at the best of your ability because you want to, because you want to be the best. And then when you inevitably fail or run into a fucking roadblock or trip up, let them see you do that with grace. Let them see you fall.

dust yourself off, say that it's okay, give yourself that grace to be like, I failed this time, but that doesn't mean that I'm giving up. Get back on the horse and then keep on moving forward. And when they see you do that, hopefully they probably won't always do it, but.

At least you're setting that example for them and then that way your words don't fall on deaf ears or they're not like, well, dad's being a hypocrite telling you to do this stuff. He doesn't do that shit. He's full of shit. They might have said it when they're six or five, but when they're 16, 17, 18 and they can put two and two together, they might say that.

So like many things that I talk about, even though I talk about like what we're doing with the kids and for the kids, ultimately it comes down to us and the way that we handle stuff, the way that we do things. And for us to be the example for our children, that's kind of just like the base level and the shit that you do afterwards. That's all gravy on top of all of this, because if you're not, if you don't have that base down, right, if you don't have that, that big pile of mashed potatoes, then.

It doesn't matter what you pour on top of it. No one wants to sit there and eat a plate of gravy with no base underneath it.

Ultimately, we want our kids to be the best that they can be, but we also want them to be content with who they are. I want my kids to be the best versions of themselves that they can be. And then once they've tried to do that, to be content with where they're at, to be like, hey, I'm happy with the person I am. I know that I still have more growth to do. I can still be better. I can still keep on working and moving forward, but...

I'm happy with who I am because I am the way that I am. I'm content with my life and I like me. That's what I want my kids to do and I better make sure damn well that I'm doing the same thing, that I'm presenting that to them so they can try and imitate to follow my lead.

So like pretty much everything I talk about, the answer is somewhere in middle.

All of this is about balance, trying to be a balanced parent, someone who has boundaries, pushes their kids forward, guides them, tries to make them be the best versions of themselves that they can be, preparing them for life, but also acknowledging their emotions, acknowledging their failures, and holding onto that and letting them know that no matter what, you're going to love them regardless. That you...

Always gonna love them and that they will always be enough for you there's nothing that they can do that would make you love them less or Love them more basically either right that your love is unconditional as a parent

So balance, this episode I guess is about balance, being loving, setting the example, not being a hypocrite. yeah, I guess that's what tough is about. That's what the Unhinged Father podcast is all about. It's about balance, it's about trying to ride that line between two things that seem like they're on opposite poles, but really finding the answer somewhere in the middle and then being able to navigate.

through different scenarios and choosing your own path, not being a mindless bot who just follows a script, but someone who's able to discern a situation and make the right choice for you and your family, your kids and all that stuff. So that's, uh, that's going to do it for this episode. Kind of a tough one to get through. I've got a little bit of a scratchy throat, so I've been having to take breaks and take sips of water. Apologize for that, but hope that everyone enjoyed it and, uh, I'll see you all next week.